No. 33: The NRA's Chris Cox Has a Special Message for You

Fairfax, Va. – The executive director of the National Rifle Association's Institute for Legislative Action, Chris W. Cox, released the following statement on Tuesday regarding President Barack Obama's Executive Gun Control Order:
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Compared to President Obama, I am a shadow of a man. I totally cashed in my law degree. Since 2002 I’ve eagerly hid bodies for a bloated gun industry and its skullen white toadies while the President strove to achieve something greater than a paycheck. Today’s events underscored what a pusillanimous boil on our nation’s anus I am.

All too often I rush to engage in political rhetoric, offering meaningless platitudes to a feckless base so easily distracted by an ever expanding loss of white entitlement that guns have become their only back stop. This tactic I borrowed has worked for the gun lobby time and time again. And my role confusing this feint constituency has admittedly become, well, too easy. Just mention the words “terrorist attack” and their eyes bug and their mouths foam. They don’t even think to compare Americans killed by terrorists against Americans killed by gun homicides. Truthfully, the NRA loves these non-thinking members like crack dealers love addicts. Take that to the bank.

But I digress. The American people do not need another angry condescending lecture from an NRA suit, completely populated by cherry picked data. The men and women of the National Rifle Association are too lazy and uneducated to double check for themselves anyhow. So I am free to say whatever it is I please. The fact is that President Obama's proposals are a start. A beginning. A turning point that threatens to undermine all the work my precious jaded gun lobby labored so hard to achieve over the last four decades. Quite frankly, it frightens me so much a little urine squirted into my underpants while I listened to the President’s press conference. The timing of this announcement, in the eighth and final year of his presidency, demonstrates not only political savvy but a fundamental understanding of how cowards like me are going to respond. Mostly with donor requests and baseless attacks.

The proposed executive actions are ripe for whining by the gun lobby, which has made no secret of its contempt for the safety of the average American. The NRA will continue to fight to arm everyone as long as they can fog a mirror. It doesn’t matter what the Constitution was historically written to mean. We will continue to harass and intimidate citizens and politicians for engaging in lawful, constitutionally-protected activity that regulates commercial gun transactions – and we will brand them as scapegoats for the failed policies of the commercial gun industry and its degenerate lobby.

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Established in 1977, the National Rifle Association is America's oldest US organization for the promotion of arming the GOP and Dixocrat constituency. No one really knows how many NRA members there actually are and their people in marketing continue to wave around the the Second Amendment like the NRA invented it. It advocates guns everywhere for everyone 24X365. The Association remains the nation's leader in indoctrination and rat-hole argumentation but for only the most unstable gun owners who display anger issues and zero self-control, Be sure to mock the NRA on Facebook and Twitter @NRA.