No. 34: Tony Cornish and a World of Game

By Luke Savage| 5:15PM| March 23, 2016

Rep. Tony "Mad Badger" Cornish

St. Paul, MN – Minnesota’s most carnivorous legislator is about to enter the crowded herd of processed meat snacks.  In a big way. Not just a new brand name or secret blend of seasoning. It’s a different animal altogether.

Look out Minnesota.  Here comes people jerky.

Rep. Tony Cornish (R), Vernon, is urging House colleagues to consider adding language to an already controversial
“Stand Your Ground” style bill inching its way towards both chambers.

"My will is strong. Their flesh is tasty - when its done right."

Cannibalism is illegal in Minnesota.  Cornish insists the prohibition is nothing more than a political end around.

"Government can't tell me what I can and can't eat.  Its liberals playing God again. Get these liberals out of my pantry.”

Cornish isn't alone.  Speaking on condition of anonymity, one Democratic lawmaker agrees in principle that not eating what you shoot "is totally un-American."  

Waste in all forms really bothers his rural constituency. "When these people come to lobby inside the House? They're not just hungry. They're armed with loaded guns.  If I'm on the wrong side of this, I am lunch."

Unidentified slabs of jerky left inside the House of Representatives retiring room.

A Republican majority controls the House and many rural Democrats who vote in lock step with Minnesota's influential gun lobby are lifelong game lovers. Rep. Carly Melin (D) Hibbing takes a pragmatic approach.  "If preservation doesn't occur right after a kill, spoilage happens quickly. Neither side of the aisle likes spoilage.  We can all get behind that."

Rep. Carly Melin (DFL), Hibbing doesn't like 
spoilage.

Cornish agrees.  "It takes hours before an already justifiable shooting is fully investigated. Contacting the next of kin adds more delay" he complained. "What a waste."

None of the Republican lawmakers from the seven county metro could be reached for comment. Cornish isn’t worried.  “What do they know?  There’s a world of tasty game right outside the state capitol. My favorite is organ meat.”

What’s Old is New

While cannibalism hasn’t trended anywhere outside tribal New Guinea and tiny Wisconsin enclaves in over a half century, smashing together the Stand Your Ground (SYG) movement with Eat What You Shoot (EWYS) is a novel approach to this ancient taboo.  Separately, both SYG and EWYS are popular within overlapping rural and ex-urban demographics.  But the idea of combining the two came to Cornish after a night of heavy drinking.  

“The next morning I pan fried gizzards in my Texas skillet." His drinking partner, Lefty, didn’t know Cornish snuck in a hand full of "butt-holes."  He couldn't remember from what animal but Cornish does remember his friend licked the plate clean and wanted seconds. "Drunks eat anything I guess.”

Cornish neither confirmed nor denied he’s eaten human before. “If I did, I don’t remember.  We did a lot of crazy stuff on reserve weekends.”

A Divided Minnesota

Before it goes to hearings, the Committee on Government Operations and Election Policy will consider the bill in its entirety, including Cornish’s Eat a Thug for Jesus clause.

Asked whether Eat a Thug for Jesus points to a growing divide between rural Christian fundamentalism and urban secularism, Cornish grew irritable.

Float testing product labels for Cornish Brand People

Jerky. Cornish is researching Kosher varieties for his

"many friends of the Jewish persuasion."

“It’s about government over reach. Shooters have a right to life like everyone else. Game meat sustains that sacred right. Government shouldn’t be telling shooters what they can and can’t eat.  That’s for me and the Big Guy to sort out.”

Cannibalism has an undeniable chilling effect and Cornish admits he steers clear of the word when championing Eat a Thug for Jesus among his constituency.  He substitutes phrases like herd control, human conservation and waste reduction. 

“Liberals can call it what they want.  People have been eating each other since the beginning of time. It says so in the good book. Look it up. Genesis 9:3 and Leviticus 26:29.”

Freelance contributor to Jews for Jesus

Quarterly, Andy Rothmann.

Lending Aid and Comfort

Support for Eat a Thug for Jesus is easy to locate inside Minnesota’s gun lobby. Even though the Gun Owners Civil Rights Alliance has its hands full lobbying free silencers for school age children, it plans to contribute.

“GOCRA will make room on its plate for human jerky, kielbasa, whatever or whomever we want to eat.” said Director Andrew Rothmann. “Provided it’s a clean shot. I’m not harming anyone at that point” he quipped, chuckling at his own wit before aspirating on spittle and coughing up ribbons of phlegm.

No Slam Dunk

Hearings for the Public Safety and Crime Prevention Policy and Finance committee attract lots of attention.  With Cornish calling cadence as chair, approval for this measure is a foregone conclusion.  Asked whether he would testify in support of Eat a Thug for Jesus, Rothmann, a Jew by birth, didn’t hesitate to say yes. “It’s already in my NRA day planner. And, come on. Jesus asked his best friends to eat him. He'd have no problem with this.”

If the measure prevails in both chambers its unlikely Governor Dayton will sign it into law.  He dodged the question however his chief of staff released this statement. 

“Its vital for Minnesota that someone prepare and eat Rep. Cornish quickly, before this change to the existing law goes to full vote on the floor.”

”Is the Governor man enough to eat people jerky?  We’ll see about that,” Cornish winked, patting his holster.  “Me and my little friend have our work cut out.”

A senate version called Shoot Em, Dry Em and Eat Em, still needs a sponsor.  Actual language of the House bill, Eat a Thug for Jesus clause:

“A shooter in fear for his/her immediate safety and or the safety of others, then credited with a clean shot, shall promptly field dress and harvest any or all of the shootee’s parts if that is their desire; that the preferred method of game preparation, for consumption of all its deliciousness, includes but is not limited to smoking, curing, drying, grilling, roasting, pot roasting, pan searing, pan frying, braising, canning or pickling.”